And...tequila makes the heart grow introspective

In the most recent issue of Herizons, Jane Rule basically described everything that my heart wants and ever wanted, and so I will just let her words stand for themselves:

"It seems to me that the best model we have for love, though it doesn't happen all that often, is the love of a parent for a child. A friend of mine once asked my mother, 'When did you start letting your children go?' She said, 'When they're born.'

I think that any relationship that's a good one is based - for both people - on their freedom to be who they are. I'm always sorry that people talk about relationships that don't last a lifetime as a failure, because they're often not. They are, for the time that they exist, nurturing, nourishing, growing, for both people Then they go in different directions. And if there's real love involved, though it's hard and there's pain, you let go if you really care about the other person's well-being. And if you care about your own, you take the responsibility of being independent.

I also think that a relationship based on sexual fidelity is silly. I don't have anything against sexual fidelity, but I think using that as a basis for a relationship, rather than really caring about the other person, doesn't work. To say I love you so much I forsake everyone else seems, to me, untrue. Making sexuality the one commitment that you give to the other person seems archaic cand goes back to men owning women and wanting to know that their children are their own."

Just...yes, Jane, right on. What I learned these past few months is that trust is what I want. Caring is what I want. A lack of sexual fidelity is not the problem - the problem is lies and deception; the problem is not acknowledging the personhood of your partner; the problem is not respecting your partner enough to care for their emotional and physical health; the problem is a lack of care, a lack of concern, a lack of faith in the ability of others to care and to be steadfast; the problem is a lack of communication; a lack of desire to communicate. And I don't want to compromise myself again, and I don't ever, ever again want the feeling that I am nothing to somebody.

I had a period of feeling really depressed and objectified and used after I found out what was really going on in my last relationship. I felt weird being so sad after the fact - I mean, I broke up with the guy back in February, and found out about the full extent of the bullshit at the beginning of June, so shouldn't I have been over it? But the knowledge of the extent to which I was lied to and was deceived was amazingly hurtful, although, because I pride myself on being tough as nails, I barely even cried a single tear, but just drank it all away. It's been a month now since I found out, and I am now really certain that I am so much better and that I will be ok and that I will be able to trust people again, and I don't need to let horrible, negative people influence my life, when I have so many wonderful, loving people around me. I have been feeling strong and secure and happy. I have people who are my friends, who have my back, and who care. I've done academic work this year that I am so, so happy about, and that other people have been happy about, and I know that I'm in a program and in a place that is good for me, and where I can keep doing work that is meaningful to me, and, I hope, important to other people, too. I've finally been breathing, and finally been thinking, and finally feel not quite so bitter any more.

Although I reserve the right to remain eternally kinda sorta bitter, because it's really just more fun.